Baby thoughts

Jess and Chris had their first child at 2:40 am Friday morning 19 May 2006.
Benjamin Arthur Orr was born 8 lbs 8 oz 21'', and they are very happy, but very tired too. I heard that they didn't get much sleep Saturday night, because they had a crying child to deal with. Newborns are like that I hear. I wonder if that is because they miss being out of God's presence. Kind of like moving away from home to go to college, or going on a mission. Only it's more like you wake up somewhere, you're not really sure where you are, or how you got there. You don't recognize anyone, anything, everyone is talking to you, but you have no idea what they're saying. All you know is that you were somewhere else previously that was warm and comforting, and now you're in some alien environment. Who wouldn't cry all night?

It also made me think of Ender's Game, when the launchies are going to sleep for their first night. Sleep is a very loose term, because they're all crying, and it just gets louder when the officer looking after them tries to comfort them. Like cracking a dam of emotion, it just poured out once they knew there was an outlet.

Then again I might be thinking too deeply about this. Caitlin and I don't have children yet, and I don't know when we are going to have children. I know that Caitlin wants it to be soon, and I wouldn't mind having kids soon, but they are not for the faint of heart, or frail of mind.

This isn't to say that I can not ever have children, it's just that when I do, I had best be in control of myself, know my limits, and know what will happen when I try to push them, or when other people push me. I can't fathom what I would do with a crying child. A couple weeks ago I had an episode because I broke a glass. Mind you I hadn't taken my meds for a few days, and I was stressed, and it was the last of my favourite glasses. I hadn't frightened Caitlin that badly since May 16, 2005. I hated myself for losing control, and I asked Caitlin to forgive me immediately. She did, but if I ever do the same with a child... I don't know what would happen. I could land in the hospital again. I might lose my child to welfare authorities. My baby might get permanent damage if I get violent. It's not a nice thing to think about. And that's not even including the financial obligations. That's another kettle of fish altogether, and another entry.